Co-Parenting or Coercive Control? When One Parent Uses Custody to Manipulate
Co-parenting is supposed to be about ensuring children have stability, love, and access to both parents in a way that prioritizes their well-being. But what happens when one parent weaponizes the co-parenting relationship—using it to manipulate, isolate, and control the other?
This is what coercive control in co-parenting looks like and it’s far more common than people (outside the realm of Family Court) realize.
The Illusion of Good Faith
Many custody arrangements start with the hopeful assumption that both parents will act in good faith. Courts push for "co-parenting apps" like Our Family Wizard (OFW) as a solution to high-conflict dynamics, believing that structured communication will encourage cooperation. Have we ever actually thought that a different ‘app’ would change communication?!
One parent might even enter this arrangement with optimism—hoping that, despite everything, the other parent will put the children's needs first. The goal is simple: to trust that shared parenting means shared responsibility. That both parents want what is best for the child and want to align on that. But what happens when that trust is misplaced, and it is just about control.
The Subtle Red Flags
At first, the signs are small. Messages on OFW are passive-aggressive, controlling, or condescending, but just mild enough to avoid court scrutiny (in other words, the tone meter caught it, but they pressed send it anyway). Requests for schedule clarity are met with delays or vague responses, forcing the targeted parent to follow up again and again.
Then, it escalates.
The targeted parent submits a reasonable request, like confirming the children's doctor’s appointments. Instead of cooperation, they receive:
A non-answer that sidesteps the request.
A deliberate delay, leaving them scrambling at the last minute.
A gaslighting response, making them question if they even asked correctly.
An outright accusation: “You’re trying to control everything. Stop impeding on my parenting time.”
Meanwhile, outside of OFW, the children start reporting unsettling changes.
A new partner is introduced through gifts or a video call—without discussion.
A child suddenly has a different bedtime, dietary rule, or expectation, disrupting consistency.
Calls and FaceTime visits become increasingly difficult to schedule, with last-minute excuses like “They don’t feel like talking” or “They’re too busy,” and even “This is my parenting time.”
For the targeted parent, this isn’t just frustrating—it’s devastating. They see the impact on the children but feel powerless to stop it. The imposed rules are a one-way street.
And when they push back the abuser plays the victim.
Control Disguised as Co-Parenting
Coercive control in co-parenting doesn’t always look like outright aggression. Instead, it’s hidden behind court-ordered apps, legal jargon, and manipulative messaging designed to isolate, undermine, and exhaust the targeted parent.
OFW as a Weapon – Messages are sent with hostile undertones but just mild enough to avoid court scrutiny. Reasonable questions are met with stonewalling or inflammatory accusations.
Financial Manipulation – Refusing to contribute to child-related expenses, claiming hardship while spending freely elsewhere. The expenses rack up for months.
FaceTime and Call Interference – Calls denied, access blocked, or sudden “technical difficulties” making contact impossible.
Micromanaging Exchanges – Dictating exactly how and when the targeted parent can engage, reframing basic parental actions as "controlling." There is no meeting in the middle.
And then, there are the messages:
"You don’t need to check in so much—your constant need for control is exhausting."
"You saw them this morning. Do you really need to say goodbye again?"
"Your insistence on being present during MY time is inappropriate."
This isn’t about the kids. This is about their need to control.
The Impact on the Targeted Parent
For the targeted parent, this experience is relentless.
Every interaction becomes a trap—not over parenting decisions, but over power and dominance. It’s exhausting, infuriating, and designed to wear them down until they stop fighting back.
They are forced to justify basic parental actions—checking in, maintaining consistency, following up on concerns.
They feel erased as a parent, with their presence framed as intrusive rather than essential.
They spend hours crafting carefully worded responses on OFW, knowing that anything they say can be twisted against them.
They start second-guessing themselves, wondering if they should just disengage to avoid constant battles.
And that’s the goal—to make them doubt their own role until they slowly step back.
The Playbook of Coercive Control in Co-Parenting
This isn’t just poor parenting—it’s a calculated effort to diminish the other parent’s role and manipulate the children’s perception. The patterns are textbook:
Using OFW as a Shield – Appearing “cooperative” in writing while subtly undermining communication and decision-making.
Isolation – Cutting off FaceTime, limiting exchanges, ensuring physical and emotional distance from the other parent.
Undermining Parental Presence – Framing normal, caring gestures (like waving goodbye) as “control,” sending the message that the other parent’s involvement is unnecessary or even harmful.
Manipulating the Narrative – Labeling concern for the children as an overreach while asserting total control over their experience.
Creating Emotional Confusion for the Kids – When a loving parent is made to feel like they’re “doing too much,” the children absorb that message. They internalize the idea that one parent’s presence is optional—disposable.
Legal Recognition of Coercive Control
The legal system is slowly evolving to recognize coercive control as a legitimate form of domestic abuse, but progress is inconsistent.
Some key legal considerations:
Judges and attorneys often misunderstand coercive control, dismissing it as “co-parenting conflict” rather than abuse.
Our Family Wizard and other apps are often treated as ‘neutral,’ despite the fact that abusers manipulate them to harass and isolate the other parent.
Some states (like California and Connecticut) have begun recognizing coercive control in family court proceedings, but widespread change is needed.
Judicial training on coercive control is crucial—parents should advocate for expert testimony to ensure judges understand these dynamics.
What You Can Do
If you are experiencing coercive control in co-parenting, you are not alone. But you cannot afford to wait for the courts to catch up.
Document everything. Use OFW or Talking Parents strategically—assume the judge will read every message.
Push for clear legal agreements. Ambiguity in court orders allows manipulation.
Educate your legal team. If your attorney doesn’t understand coercive control, find one who does.
Consider requesting a parental evaluator—but be prepared to educate them on coercive control.
Don’t give up. Your children need you to stay present, even when it feels impossible.
Co-parenting should be about the kids—not about power and control.
If you recognize these patterns in your own custody arrangement, it is not your fault. Courts are slowly beginning to recognize coercive control, but change only happens when we demand it.
Fight for your children’s right to a stable, loving relationship with both parents.
Push for legal accountability for coercive control.
Refuse to let manipulation define your parenting.
Have You Experienced Coercive Control in Co-Parenting?
Let’s talk about it. Share your experience in the comments or reach out for support.
For additional guidance, legal strategy, and personalized coaching on navigating high-conflict co-parenting, visit High-Conflict Divorce Coaching.
I also have self-study courses here: https://jessicaknight.thinkific.com/collections