Intent vs. Impact

Before I even begin this one, please know this is the topic I will go to the grave arguing: A persons intent vs. the impact

Last week, my daughter’s teacher sent an email with some notes from her parent-teacher conference. One bullet point read: continuing to work on slowing down when responding to peers' in social situations, really thinking about intent vs. impact

My daughter is 7.

For kids, the concept of intent versus impact is meant to foster empathy and accountability—recognizing that even if we didn’t mean to hurt someone, the impact of our words or actions still matters.

My last partner, who was 38, did not seem to get that concept.

Instead, he twisted the idea into a tool for manipulation, constantly deflecting responsibility for how his actions affected me by saying I’ve misunderstood his intent. It was my fault I felt hurt by his hurtful actions. This was the shield he used to avoid accountability.

Clients bring this up all of the time. They are told their feelings are not valid because the abuser did not intend to hurt them.

One time? Sure. Two times? Also sure. But when someone does the same thing over and over, and claims they did not intend it, but instead of changing their actions the next time, or seeing the hurt and trying to understand your perspective, they continue to blame you, because they did not intend it, and we should all be mind readers and know when they did not intend something.

Again, a one off, two off, even a three off, yes. When this becomes a repeated pattern it is a way they avoid all responsibility.

In my experience, my ex repeatedly emphasized his “intent” as if that alone should nullify any harm caused by his actions. He says things like, “But I decide their intent when they are communicated” and “I am communicating with the intent of being heard,” which essentially says that his intent is the only thing that matters, not how his words land. This is a clear manipulation tactic. By over-focusing on his own intent, he’s absolves himself of all blame, an instead, pushes me to feel guilty for not understanding him the way he insists I should.

This went hand in hand with demanding that I validate his intent while ignoring the impact I was feeling. I would try to call it out saying things like, “You are not communicating to move forward. Your communication requires me to be agreeable to your perspective to move forward.” But he always seemed to require that I validate his intentions, without him having to acknowledge the impact on me.

The result? I would walk on eggshells and learned that speaking up just led to more blame. I would choose my words carefully. I only walked on eggshells. Eventually, I stopped responding at all when this would happen (this was a boundary I created).

He continued to paint me as the problem for not seeing things his way, twisting the concept of impact to make it seem like I was overreacting (reactive abuse, anyone?)

Well it got worse, because even with the boundary in place, he would still double down. He would say things like “I never said my perspective was right or absolute,” trying to make it sound like he’s open-minded, but it’s deceptive. This statement implies that any reaction I had to his words is your responsibility to manage, not his.

He also said he was being reasonable, although he was not.

This constant fallback on “intent” allowed him to sidestep accountability by implying that any misunderstanding is on my end.

Over time, I really started to see how this “intent” language was really a form of gaslighting. By repeatedly telling me that I misinterpreted him, it made me feel like my responses (which sometimes were pure shock) were always flawed or inadequate. This caused me to question my own instinct.

Yet, at the same time, I was literally teaching my daughter to care about how her impacts effect others.