Look at the Patterns, Not the Promises
Breaking Free from the Cycle of False Hope
Have you ever been caught in the endless loop of hoping things will get better, only to be disappointed over and over again?
It’s not because you’re naive or "too forgiving"—it’s because toxic relationships thrive on promises that sound sincere but are rarely if ever, fulfilled.
When someone’s words don’t align with their actions, it creates a cognitive dissonance that’s deeply confusing. They say they’ll change, that they’ll try harder, that they’ll do better, that this time will be different—and for a moment, you believe them. But time and time again, their behavior tells a different story.
This is why it’s crucial to stop focusing on promises and start paying attention to patterns.
Promises are easy. Change is hard. When someone says, “I’m trying,” “I’ll change,” or “You can hold me accountable,” it’s easy to cling to those words as proof that things will get better. But real change doesn’t come from what someone says in the heat of a conflict or during a moment of guilt.
Change comes from consistent, observable actions over time.
If you’re repeatedly hearing promises of accountability, but every attempt to hold them accountable results in defensiveness, blame-shifting, or outright denial, that’s not growth. That’s manipulation.
One client put it perfectly:
"He said I could hold him accountable, and I did. I asked him to pause and reflect on the same pattern happening again—but it blew up in my face."
This is a common tactic in toxic relationships. The promise of accountability is a way to regain your trust in the moment, but when it comes time to actually follow through, the abuser lashes out. It’s a bait-and-switch designed to keep you hopeful while avoiding real accountability.
While promises can be empty, patterns reveal the truth. Patterns don’t lie.
Here’s why focusing on patterns is so important:
1. Consistency Speaks Louder Than Words
Does your partner consistently show up as the person they promise to be, or do they repeatedly fall back into the same toxic behaviors? Patterns of anger, blame-shifting, and emotional withdrawal are not accidents—they’re deliberate ways of maintaining control.
2. Promises Are Often Performative
Saying the right thing in the moment is easy, especially for someone who wants to deflect blame or regain your trust. But patterns show whether their intentions are genuine. If their behavior doesn’t change, their promises are just another tool for manipulation.
3. Patterns Reveal Priorities
What someone consistently does reflects what they value. If their actions show a disregard for your feelings, boundaries, or well-being, then no amount of promises can change that underlying truth.
When you focus on promises instead of patterns, you end up stuck in a cycle of hope and disappointment. This cycle is exhausting and often leads to emotional burnout.
Here’s what that looks like:
The Honeymoon Phase: They apologize, promise to change, and make you believe things will get better.
The Build-Up: Slowly, their old patterns re-emerge. They start dismissing your concerns or invalidating your feelings.
The Explosion: The toxic behavior escalates. You’re left hurt and confused, wondering what went wrong.
The Reset: They make new promises, and the cycle starts again.
This pattern isn’t just emotionally draining—it’s a form of control. By keeping you hopeful, they ensure you stay invested in the relationship, even when it’s harming you.
How to Shift Your Focus to Patterns
If you’re ready to break free from this cycle, the first step is to start trusting what you see, not what you hear.
1. Keep a Record
Document their promises and behaviors. This can help you see patterns more clearly, especially when you’re caught up in the emotional whirlwind of the relationship.
2. Ask Yourself the Right Questions
Do their actions align with their promises?
Are they making genuine efforts to change, or are they just saying what I want to hear?
How do I feel in this relationship—calm and supported, or anxious and confused?
3. Trust Your Instincts
If something feels off, it probably is. Manipulative partners are skilled at making you doubt yourself, but your gut is often more reliable than their words.
4. Set Boundaries
Make it clear that promises without action are no longer acceptable. Hold them accountable to their behavior, not their words.
5. Seek Support
Isolation is a powerful tool in toxic relationships. Reconnect with friends, family, or a coach who can help you see the patterns and remind you of your worth.
And in the end, acknowledging these patterns isn’t about giving up on love—it’s about choosing yourself. Sometimes the most caring thing you can do for both people involved is to step away, allowing room for real growth to occur. Letting go isn’t a failure; it’s an act of courage that makes space for a healthier, more authentic connection, whether that’s with a new partner or with yourself.
If you’re ready to explore how to move forward and truly put yourself first, take a look at my offerings below:
Your heart deserves the chance to heal.
Thanks for this. Yes sometimes we avoid identifying the pattern because it will ‘blow up in our face’. But this in itself does not mean its the wrong strategy.