Performative Empathy

I've been thinking a lot about the concept of "performative empathy" lately, especially in the context of a past relationship.

I remember reading through some old texts while in the relationship. These were conversations that (at the time) felt like attempts to build bridges. I remember thinking and hoping that maybe we could reach some understanding if we just communicated enough.

When I look at them now, they reveal something much darker and scarier. It’s clear he wasn’t empathizing at all, he was performing it.

Every thoughtful pause, every "I just want to understand where you're coming from" was a rehearsed act, designed to keep me second-guessing myself, and to keep me explaining over and over.

What I initially thought was concern or confusion was really just a way for him to stay in control. His version of empathy wasn’t about understanding or caring for my feelings—it was about managing the narrative.

He’d throw in just enough validation to make me think, “Maybe I’m the one overreacting. Maybe he’s right, and I’m just being too emotional.”

I started gaslighting myself before he even had to do it for me.