Understanding Abuse Through the Lens of Lundy Bancroft

Understanding the Patterns That Keep You Stuck

A few days ago, I shared a quote from Lundy Bancroft that really struck a chord. His book Why Does He Do That? remains one of the most insightful explorations of abusive behavior, shedding light on the patterns and mindsets that fuel emotional and psychological control. While Bancroft focuses primarily on male abuse of female partners, his insights apply broadly to anyone who has experienced coercive control in a relationship.

Whether you're still in the relationship or trying to make sense of what happened, understanding how abuse operates under the surface is a critical step in reclaiming your clarity. These aren’t just patterns—they’re tools of power and control. When you can name them, you can begin to unhook from them.

The Confusing Nature of Abuse

One of the most disorienting aspects of abuse is how unpredictable it feels. Bancroft captures this instability:

“The abuser’s mood changes are especially perplexing. He can be a different person from day to day, or even from hour to hour. At times he is aggressive and intimidating… At other moments, he sounds wounded and lost, hungering for love and for someone to take care of him.”

This emotional whiplash keeps victims off balance—always waiting for the "good version" to return, hoping that love or patience will bring it back. That intermittent warmth is part of the trap.

Bancroft compares abusive men to magicians, skilled at misdirection:

“An abusive man works like a magician: His tricks largely rely on getting you to look in the wrong direction, distracting your attention so that you won’t notice where the real action is.”

Instead of being held accountable, the abuser manipulates you into focusing on his feelings—so you believe it’s your job to fix things by better understanding his pain. That shift in focus keeps the abuse hidden in plain sight.

This pattern creates the trauma bond—a deep psychological attachment formed through cycles of reward and punishment. It’s why you might feel stuck even when you logically know the relationship is unsafe.