I managed to leave a similar relationship when I finally saw the pattern. After three years of constant fights and misery and me always being told, and believing, that everything was my fault, we had one autumn when we were getting along well, and I thought that maybe we had worked through our initial problems and learned to deal with each other. But then there was a spectacular blowup at Christmas, and I realized that the calm autumn had been the anomaly, and Christmas was the norm.
"Because G didn’t want a partner. He wanted someone to manage his chaos. Someone to reflect his superiority. Someone to carry his dysfunction without calling it what it was. Someone he could yell at when he didn’t know what else to do with himself. “ Gods, this sounds like my "husband," untreated and unmanaged ADHD and all. Ugh. Glad you got away from this asshole!
Well written. Glad you finally found the exit door.
Understatement incoming - I'm no relationship expert. Yet, I like to think that I've learned a few things over the years. One of those bits of knowledge is that self-awareness and self-critcism are a crucial part of growing up. If you are in a relationship with someone who is incapable of seeing where they've f@cked up and, also, incapable of expressing that they have f@cked up and - crucial part - apologizing for fucking up, then you are in trouble.
Love doesn't mean "...never having to say you're sorry." It means saying sorry over and over and over again and growing to understand that this is part of how love works.
We are all flawed. We all say and do things that hurt one another. If your partner, either by saying or not saying or by action or inaction, rejects this idea then you are in for a bumpy ride.
Thank you for sharing this. I just got out of a relationship that was so, so similar. The “logic turning on itself” really hit home. I had the same feeling that if I could just understand him more, that things could be okay. But ultimately things were not okay. Thank you for speaking about emotional abuse- I’m sorry you went through this and wish you so much peace on your healing journey 🩷🫶🏻
I found this pattern again and again.. in differing levels.. until I realized how much of what I was taught about "love" was from a narcissistic father.
I could have written this, word for word, about my marriage. Emotional abuse is so confusing because it plays to our genuine desire to deeply understand and be there for our partner, as if that’s the fix. But the rub is that’s exactly the point from which the abuser can tear us down and seize control.
I almost killed myself trying to understand and support my ‘complex’ ex-husband. He’s not complex. He’s just incapable of genuine human because it requires a level of selflessness. When he is, in fact, complete self-obsessed.
I so appreciate you sharing what it was like for you in your trauma-bonded connection (there is no relating to a narcissist). You articulate well what it is like and I felt reflected as your pain and confusion mirrors my own. Thank you for speaking the truth of your experience.
I managed to leave a similar relationship when I finally saw the pattern. After three years of constant fights and misery and me always being told, and believing, that everything was my fault, we had one autumn when we were getting along well, and I thought that maybe we had worked through our initial problems and learned to deal with each other. But then there was a spectacular blowup at Christmas, and I realized that the calm autumn had been the anomaly, and Christmas was the norm.
"Because G didn’t want a partner. He wanted someone to manage his chaos. Someone to reflect his superiority. Someone to carry his dysfunction without calling it what it was. Someone he could yell at when he didn’t know what else to do with himself. “ Gods, this sounds like my "husband," untreated and unmanaged ADHD and all. Ugh. Glad you got away from this asshole!
Well written. Glad you finally found the exit door.
Understatement incoming - I'm no relationship expert. Yet, I like to think that I've learned a few things over the years. One of those bits of knowledge is that self-awareness and self-critcism are a crucial part of growing up. If you are in a relationship with someone who is incapable of seeing where they've f@cked up and, also, incapable of expressing that they have f@cked up and - crucial part - apologizing for fucking up, then you are in trouble.
Love doesn't mean "...never having to say you're sorry." It means saying sorry over and over and over again and growing to understand that this is part of how love works.
We are all flawed. We all say and do things that hurt one another. If your partner, either by saying or not saying or by action or inaction, rejects this idea then you are in for a bumpy ride.
Thank you for sharing this. I just got out of a relationship that was so, so similar. The “logic turning on itself” really hit home. I had the same feeling that if I could just understand him more, that things could be okay. But ultimately things were not okay. Thank you for speaking about emotional abuse- I’m sorry you went through this and wish you so much peace on your healing journey 🩷🫶🏻
I found this pattern again and again.. in differing levels.. until I realized how much of what I was taught about "love" was from a narcissistic father.
Borderline personality disorder…..mixed with narcissism..
They are HELL to live with. They enjoy hurting people and creating chaos. They happily destroy people. No amount of “love” will fix them..
I could have written this, word for word, about my marriage. Emotional abuse is so confusing because it plays to our genuine desire to deeply understand and be there for our partner, as if that’s the fix. But the rub is that’s exactly the point from which the abuser can tear us down and seize control.
I almost killed myself trying to understand and support my ‘complex’ ex-husband. He’s not complex. He’s just incapable of genuine human because it requires a level of selflessness. When he is, in fact, complete self-obsessed.
I see you x
Dated the same type of guy. I was literally mute at the end, because he would argue and beat me down about everything. I’m glad you escaped.
Excellent piece that every woman should read! (It’s just all too common)
I so appreciate you sharing what it was like for you in your trauma-bonded connection (there is no relating to a narcissist). You articulate well what it is like and I felt reflected as your pain and confusion mirrors my own. Thank you for speaking the truth of your experience.
Please have a look at Maxine Astons work. The Cassandra Workshop might interest you. He sounds like he's on the autistic spectrum